<<痴心绝对>& gt;
想用一杯Latte把你� �醉 好让你能多爱我一� ��
暗恋的滋味 你不懂这种感觉 早有人陪的你永远� ��会
看见你和他在我面� �� 证明我的爱只是愚� ��
你不懂我的 那些憔悴 是你永远不曾过的� ��会
为你付出那种伤心� ��永远不了解 我又何苦勉强自己� ��上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备 静静关上门来默数� ��的泪
明知道让你离开他� ��世界不可能会 我还傻傻等到奇迹� ��现的那一天
直到那一天 你会发现 真正爱你的人独自� ��着伤悲
曾经我以为我自己� ��后悔 不想爱的太多痴心� ��对
为你落第一滴泪 为你做任何改变 也唤不回你对我的� ��决 

Missing you as usual Seraph. SIM is my piority and yours. Soon, it will be your Driving Practical Test, I know you will be able to pass well. I have faith in you. I will keep you in prayers. Missing someone you love dearly is indeed a torture. The memories stay, the pain of being separated remains and the prayers for the day to be reunited is sweet.

These few months, I have been through many relfections. I know I am sticky to you. I am still not as independent as I thought I am. So that is why in the end, you could not stand the indirect pressure and I lost you. I have loved you too deeply from the start to ever imagine I would lose you again one day. AS such affection grows in me, the emotion cling is higher and subconciously, I become rather sticky to you. After going a big round of a bush..... I still lost you. What a pity. What a lost. I have never ever regretted to have you in my heart at all.

You may have found a better lady than me and lead a better life. God send you to my life once and I am grateful to Him. At least I get to enjoy the happiness for once. I am glad that we are still colleagues and schoolmate.

Study well and be successful in your career. You have my prayers wherever you are, whoever you are with and whatever you will be doing. If there's any chance for us to be together again, I told God, I will not lose you again. My mind is set on my on-coming studies and my work and that is good enough to take up my time for quite a few years. Till the next time our hearts meet, do take care and be a Godly man, just like the way I always want you to be.

YO YO YO!!! Have a merry Xmas!!!!

Christmas once again. A festive season for joy and gifts-giving... Spend quite a deal on the gifts for my love ones... It was indeed a joy to see them receiving the gifts with that big smile on their faces and hearts. WOW!

Have you made your christmas wish? Pray upon it and Jesus will make it come true. HE never disappoints anyone. Hmmm.... What's my wish? *Shhhhhh...* It's a secret.

Next week will be New Year. So it's time I sit down and reflect on my 2004 and write down my list for 2005. Well.... Older again by another one year. Being older is not the main issue, it is being matured in the thinking that matters. I am on my way.... still have alot to experience and work on it. :)

OKie... Time to sleep... Tonite, God will hug each of us to bed again. I could not wait to attend the Christmas Service over at my church tomorrow morning. Wow!... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Wat a day! Caught a cold. My nose is doing exercise now... I had finished a box of tissue this morning.... took some flu pills and pray for it to recover soon.

I had watched "Polar Express" yesterday with my tuition students. It was quite good. The spirit of Xmas is just round the corner. I love the phrases from the show... ".. BELIEVE in your heart.... Seeing is believing..."

Yesterday I went back to my office to clear some of my stuff  before  going for my show. Know what?? The past few weeks I had been missing Seraph like crazy.... We saw each other yesterday! He came back to his office too. We were both quite surprise to each other. We managed to steal some moments to chat. We kept our chats within our work and our studies. There was no personal chat between us.. what a pity.... But that was indeed a good start.... and I am glad.

Know what I prayed to God to have him back. The next day he appeared. It was like a prayer answered. When I left my work place, I called out "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Thanks Father for answering my prayer." Although, both Seraph and I still remain as colleagues, I knew in my heart ... very clearly that he still have a place in my heart. I love him still and I am waiting for his return PATIENTLY. Not only are all the stuff he gave me were displayed in my room few days ago, I had our neoprints scanned and set as my handphone's wallpaper. Every moment, I will be able to see him.

God will work his way between the two of us. At the mean time, I will just draw my attention on my spiritual health and my work and my on-coming studies. God has HIS way and HE is never late in all his plans for His children. For the past few years' Xmas, I have never wished for anything. This year, I already and clearly know (in both my heart and mind) what I wanted for all my life. I will wish upon it with my sincere and earnest heart. My love for him is so deep that it had covered up and over-flow the love I have for my ex-boyfriends, esp Kelvin.

When you want something dearly in your heart, you pray for it with a sincere heart and wait upon it with a patient heart. BELIEVE in both yourself and GOD_JESUS CHRIST for He who provide WILL fulfill that for you at the point of liberation.... the right time and at the right place. Have faith and live your life with GOD with you... AMEN!

"Seraph, You left without a word, leaving behind a shattered heart, never to be amended... Loving you still, please tell me what I should do. What should I do to forget you from my heart?"

What had I done wrong that made you left without a trace?

What is it that result to this separation?

I know you love me and you know how I feel for you... "I know how she feels and she knows how I feel..." why both of us just could not sit down and solve our problems together? Why must you decide on your own and leave when you do not have to? Time is what you need and I will give. Time is what I need to settle down in my career too. Why? Why must you abandoned me this time round, the second time round!? I am starting to feel that I am not worthy anymore. a lost-found relationship ended up like this, what do you expect me to say?

I have realised that my love for you is so deep that I am willing to do anything that will make your heart happy. To see you happy is the first thing I would do. Even when you decided on your own to leave without a word and you wish to have more time in your studies, I respected your wish. Even to have Joe to replace you as a scapegoat just to cover up my hurts at that time.... to let you leave in peace and place your focus in your studies. Do you really love me till you bear to hear me crying in the silence of the nights? I still could not believe you actually asked Eric to sms this... "We never started. I am actually deluding myself." If you wish to end, just tell me nicely and why would you choose this path to hurt me? Left, gone and disappeared. Love you yet I could not do anything. Heart is shattered totally. I really do not know how long I will take again to recover from this fall. I know it will be long, very very long in fact. The deeper the love, the longer it takes to recover. Have you gotten over me?   

I do not know why? I am so silly to write all these here. I knew you will never get to read these. But pity me, for I have words to say but I have no place to pour it out. It is only through this blog I get to write them all out.

Took all the stuff out again... the cranes you folded for me... the card you wrote for me.... our neoprints... memories flooded back again. I really prayed so badly now that my tomorrow will never come...

I am really torn apart...

I really do not know what's wrong with my own heart. It just missed Seraph all over again. I could not explained this. The last thing I would like to do is to forget about our past and stop deluding myself. But the more I do it, the more the feeling came back to me. Till to the extent that I could not take it as nothing had happened. Even when I met him in my workplace, I could not say a "Hi" to him. Cos' the heart have more to tell him. To tell him how I missed him, to tell him my heart never left him, to tell him the "photo of boyfriend" he saw on my desk is just to spite him, to tell him that even when I am with Joe, my heart is with him -- my heart has never left him. Oh man! Prayed to God so much to extract him of my heart but still.... what does that tell?

Ros asked me... if one day Seraph returns to me once again, but this time he is much more Godly than before, would I still continue to be with him?

I have been keeping myself busy the past few months with over-whelming tuition and my preparation in my work... not to test my working ability. But to hide my feelings and numb the pain and stop my mind from thinking of him. Now it's the holidays... nothing much to do and that's why my heart starts to think of him all over again. Am I not torn...

It's foolish to grab Joe to replace him temporary. Joe is good to me but like I say, he is just a floating log I found deserted in the vast sea.... Joe knew I love Seraph even though I am with him. We quarreled many a times as I am very honest with my feelings with him. I cannot hide my feelings from him. Joe has faith that he will be able to replace Seraph in my heart. But I know he could not, even from the start. Joe also knew from the start that this relationship would not last but he just want to be with me to take care of me till the last day of this relationship. Joe and I had a good talk and ended the relationship after Seraph "believe" that I am attached. Even till now, I did not miss Joe. I just want Seraph to concentrate in his studies and that I would respect his decision to end this relationship. Then the rest of the days that follows, I drowned myself in my work and spent much more time with God. Now, I have a new Home... ARPC... I had settled downed in this church.

I have a month to meant this broken heart. What is over is over. This holidays, I will not occupy myself to drown that feeling. God brought him to me is for a purpose. He had done his part and now it's time I move on with my life to the next stage. Seraph is so happy with his life without me. It just shows that he do not feel loved when we were together. I should not make my life so miserable without him. Since my mind is set on work and my studies, must well focus on these and spend more time with God. Till the moment, when I see him or hear his voice, my heart do not feel sad or miss him.... I knew I have recovered. I have been avoiding himin my workplace these few days. I should have known my heart had not recovered.

Ahhhh..... So relieved after pouring them out in my blog. Okie, it's time I stop here and spend time with Father.

Gee... I SMS Seraph today to thanks him for his concern for me as colleague. After our few SMS, I got so relieved. It's like a big rock off my shoulder. At least, we both get to know where we stand... we will be colleagues only.

Read the Bible just now and throughout the SMS... God spoke into me... God healed me to some extent.... Praise the LORD!

Wow... now I am much refreshed and much happier now. Especially, one load off my shoulder. A good start!

This Friday, my gals are going out with me... they will be drowning me till I am drunk. Gee... It will sure be a great nite out. We will be going to drink all the way till we knock off... These few weeks all of us have some unpleasant encounters and experiences.

Let's look forward to it....

Psalm 70

For the choir director: A psalm of David, to bring us to the LORDs remembrance.

¹
    Please, God, rescue me!
    & nbsp;   Come quickly, LORD, and help me.
²
    May those who try to destroy me
    & nbsp;   be humiliated and put to shame.
    May those who take delight in my trouble
    & nbsp;   be turned back in disgrace.
³
    Let them be horrified by their shame,
    & nbsp;   for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"
⁴
    But may all who search for you
    & nbsp;   be filled with joy and gladness.
    May those who love your salvation
    & nbsp;   repeatedly shout, "God is great!"
⁵
    But I am poor and needy;
    & nbsp;   please hurry to my aid, O God.
    You are my helper and my savior;
    & nbsp;   O LORD, do not delay!

Had a rather tough morning... I din eat much. I attended my Pilates as usual. I workout like I was going to kill myself. I think I know the reason why I am doing this.

I spoke to Him. I told Him what I wanted Him to do for me. I do not want any more blows from Seraph. I want God to take Him away from me. I want God to take the man I always love dearly in the past away from me. I wanted a Godly man. Not a man who do not know what he wants and ended up hurting others and himself. Father, you sent me to this school although I fought hard not to enter this school. I already had a hard time to adjust my heart back to my usual self. As I obviously knew that he was somewhere physically near me. I want to extract him out. Since Seraph wanted badly to have me out of his life. Father, I know I love Seraph. But I only love the him before. Not the man after the breakup. I treated the Seraph now as my colleague only. I control my feeling for him now. No other special affliation as I do want to delude myself unknowingly again, just like how he said me before. Father, please heal me... Take him out of my heart since he is not the one. Remove the thorn in me, heal me and let me continue my life in the fresh new journey you have plotted for me. If he is meant to be the man in my life, he should be a Godly man who will know how to handle and behave in a more Godly manner. He will not say things that will hurt others and as a result hurting himself too. Father, also extract the thorn in him. He do not want me anymore but yet he could not seem to let go too. Heal him. He's torn too. I do not hate this man anymore. I had forgiven him but I will love this man no more. Even if I do, that's the man in the past I love and not him anymore. May he meet a even better woman than me. Seraph, since you wanted to bury ashes, then bury them and leave the dust to the wind. Let it be gone with the wind. Time is what we both need to forget each other. Please do not come back to me... Just let me remember our sweet moments and not reminded of the sad ones. Just like how cool you let go of me... While I am tormented and torn apart. I am learning to let go... I need lots of time... Years in fact. But in the end, I will reach there... With God in me, I will be healed and you will be too. So leave us in peace and we will be able to achieve this.

Oooohhhh.... How i miss the beach at East Coast! A place I love to go to just sit there and listen to the waves and enjoy the breeze.... I love to sit there for hours alone. To cry there... To let out my feeling... A place to recuperate from any heart problems... I will make sure this urge will come true soon... I always wanted to catch the sun rise... but no chance... must be very beautiful...

God if you hear my prayers every nite... please answer them as soon as possible...

Examination is round the corner for lots of people. Please bless them with a focus mind to do what they have to and not side track to other matters. Personal matters have to be placed aside as there are more important things for them to handle now. Bless them with peace in thier mind and heart. Bless them well as they do their revision and that they will clear their papers with flying colours and not let you down. As we wear the cross around our neck... we will remember the love you have for us. You do all these for the love of us.

I repent... I am very fussy and sound like a bitchy sinful woman these few days. I am in a very bad mood these few days.... Dun ask me why... I do not know why... heart do not feel good these days... God knows my heart well as I speak to him every moment... So I have been reading Proverbs 31 and have a control of my tongue lately. I have been reminded by the Spirit that my tongue has been too generous with dishing out frustrations lately. I have to remember to speak words of grace to the hearers of my words, and to edify them and show them love in the things I will say to them. It's tough as I could not control my emotions well. God is trying to remind me to tone that down. :) Amen!

Pray for me...friends out there...

Some things are running in my head and I am not convenient to share through this blog now. I am not sure who will be reading this and I am not going to take the risk to write it now. I will be fine soon... I hope so too. Just like days without you... 

From the day you said that we never started, I am deluding myself and you just want to have a platonic relationship with me, my heart had shattered to thousands of pieces, just like Cinderella's glass slippers. You want to leave, I would not force you. As I promised you, I will respect your decision. I love you more than you love me. This you should know. although I do not want to, I had let you go as you have strongly decided  I will not want you to be in a difficult position. You do not need to worry. No body will know about the two of us. I am not and will not tell anyone, except for her. She's my only soulmate there and hope you understand. I will not do silly things to result you to be in a difficult position. You can be assured. No matter how I feel, whether regarding you and me or other stuff... I will not slip our past out. So just be assured and do what you need to. I promised you I will not bother you again unless regarding work. So I will keep my promise to you, just like I always do. Please stop being concern about my life when you had decide to let go of me. You should be concentrating on other stuff as this may led to other chances of me to delude into things I should not anymore. I believe you do not want too. I want to stop this pain ever since the day you left me without a word. You walked out of my life. I treated this as my love one was dead (apologise me for that)... He left me without a word. This shock and disappointment will be overcome as time flies. I am letting all the past to be gone with the wind. Just as you said... "ashes to ashes and dust to dust". So just leave me this way.... I just want to remember the sweet days we are together and not remind me of all the sad and heartbreaking past we had. Enjoy your studies and your work. I pray that you will meet and find a even much much better gal than me that deserves your true love. Take care and will remain as only COLLEAGUES and nothing else. I feeel a pity not able to give you bottles of stars to fill your room with my love for you. I know where I stand and you need not ask your buddy to remind me anymore. I won't give you troubles, no more. God bless....

just bursted out crying... now feel so much better... guessed I have pushed myself too hard these past 6 mths...

Heart pain again... no human being will be able to ment it. I will leave it to Jesus. He who puts me through all these will make me a healed woman once again. Till then, I do not know how long this will go on.

Gonna pop my mygranes pills and go to sleep. Hope one of these few days I will close my eyes and never wake up again... Take me to Jesus... I have found no life in me to continue... all is getting meaningless...

Life is so boring... very moody these few days... kept myself so busy till I have no time to rest. I was out of home this morning at 8am and just got home at 8pm. 12 hours of working outside... Gosh... I just finished my ironing and took a rest... Yawnz... indeed a long day for me.

Hmm... these few nights I had nightmares and did not sleep well. Think that was the reason why I am feeling moody. Have been getting mygranes so often. Sighs... who to care for me whether I am dead or alive?!

But dumping all the sad stuff aside, I am feeling happy! Brother is back from his BMT. Our family is once again together. Mum cooked all his favourite dishes and I had a good chat with brother. Just feel great! At least mum has him for company the next one week. During this period, only my little Hamsi (my cutey pet Hamster) kept mum company on days I am out. Looking back at it, I am working 7 days a week. I am basically out of house for work or for my exercise session in the evening.

Some things just flashed across my mind. Have you seen angels or met angels in your life? Angels as not literally little cute creatures with a pair of tiny wings and holding a magic wand. Angels as in human beings that touches your life and then disappeared?

Yesterday, I had watched "The Village"... "You do not tell people what you want to do, because you do not want people to know what you want to do"--quoted from the movie. It is very straight to the point. Who will tell the others what they will be doing if what they will be doing is something secretive or meant to be bad? What I am doing now for Seraph is not totally for him. But for myself too. Seraph is free to choose his life, so am I. Although we are not together now, the heart will still miss him at times.

I had a box of 10 D24 durian puffs from Emicakes. A friend bought for me. Yummy.... Shared it with my family members. So rich in durian! WOW! Yummy man! Hey... I have put on some baby fat.... my face looks slightly chubbier now. Cos' had been out to eat often and friends fed me well.... just to see that radiant smile on my face again... 

In my work... I had chose to remain in low profile in all I do. I do not want to outshine others in anything I do. I just want to be a simple teacher that remains in the teaching line. I know what I should do and will not do extra. HOD and Principal is not my kind of life. I really prefer to be in a profession to just teach and I do not need to be in the HOD line to earn that.

This week, nothing great happen besides being happy in my life. Enjoyed like a real human being. Laughed like a happy soul. Dance like no one is watching. And Sing with a joyful heart. This is life. Life is not all about working and working and working. It is a life after you step out from your office, your place of work. I had enjoyed my time tremendously. Life is simple and fulfilling for me. With or without Seraph is no big deal as I am happier as a soul. Heart may miss him but back to Earth, I am still myself and I need to happy. He willnot be there to make me happy. He should be trying to make another gal happy. My blessing to him. :)