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I am really torn apart...
I really do not know what's wrong with my own heart. It just missed Seraph all over again. I could not explained this. The last thing I would like to do is to forget about our past and stop deluding myself. But the more I do it, the more the feeling came back to me. Till to the extent that I could not take it as nothing had happened. Even when I met him in my workplace, I could not say a "Hi" to him. Cos' the heart have more to tell him. To tell him how I missed him, to tell him my heart never left him, to tell him the "photo of boyfriend" he saw on my desk is just to spite him, to tell him that even when I am with Joe, my heart is with him -- my heart has never left him. Oh man! Prayed to God so much to extract him of my heart but still.... what does that tell?
Ros asked me... if one day Seraph returns to me once again, but this time he is much more Godly than before, would I still continue to be with him?
I have been keeping myself busy the past few months with over-whelming tuition and my preparation in my work... not to test my working ability. But to hide my feelings and numb the pain and stop my mind from thinking of him. Now it's the holidays... nothing much to do and that's why my heart starts to think of him all over again. Am I not torn...
It's foolish to grab Joe to replace him temporary. Joe is good to me but like I say, he is just a floating log I found deserted in the vast sea.... Joe knew I love Seraph even though I am with him. We quarreled many a times as I am very honest with my feelings with him. I cannot hide my feelings from him. Joe has faith that he will be able to replace Seraph in my heart. But I know he could not, even from the start. Joe also knew from the start that this relationship would not last but he just want to be with me to take care of me till the last day of this relationship. Joe and I had a good talk and ended the relationship after Seraph "believe" that I am attached. Even till now, I did not miss Joe. I just want Seraph to concentrate in his studies and that I would respect his decision to end this relationship. Then the rest of the days that follows, I drowned myself in my work and spent much more time with God. Now, I have a new Home... ARPC... I had settled downed in this church.
I have a month to meant this broken heart. What is over is over. This holidays, I will not occupy myself to drown that feeling. God brought him to me is for a purpose. He had done his part and now it's time I move on with my life to the next stage. Seraph is so happy with his life without me. It just shows that he do not feel loved when we were together. I should not make my life so miserable without him. Since my mind is set on work and my studies, must well focus on these and spend more time with God. Till the moment, when I see him or hear his voice, my heart do not feel sad or miss him.... I knew I have recovered. I have been avoiding himin my workplace these few days. I should have known my heart had not recovered.
Ahhhh..... So relieved after pouring them out in my blog. Okie, it's time I stop here and spend time with Father.
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